It’s All About Me

When I started this blog I stuck to subjects that were important to those individuals, or couples, who found themselves now devoid of children at home and were looking to redefine their lives.  As time has gone on, the subjects have broadened and my passions have become a focal point of what I write about.  Today I thought I would return to the beginning, in a way, and talk about something too few people want to discuss.  The subject of choosing to live alone.

Some times one is enough.

Some times one is enough.

I have been single a LONG time.  Many people don’t understand the things I like about being on my own.  Not everyone needs a live-in-relationship to be happy. It will all depend on your personality, and how much you enjoy your own company and how comfortable you are enjoying going out by yourself some of the time.  Here are some of my tongue-in-cheek responses to why I want to live alone.

  1. I can finish what I am doing without interruption
  2. I can eat when ever I want and what ever I want.  Cereal for dinner no problem
  3. I get the bed to myself and no snoring will ever wake me up
  4. There is no one to train to do things my way. :-)
  5. I don’t have to compromise on what time to go to bed and can sleep as late as I want
  6. I can just pick up and have a night out with friends without asking if it is okay or feeling I need to check with my partner.
  7. There are no money struggles or differences in how money is spent.
  8. I can wear scrubby work clothes all day without worrying about cleaning up for my man.
  9. There are no remote control wars in my house
  10. I had the freedom to toss out the TV
  11. If I want to watch a movie there is no one here to complain about my choice.
  12. I can decorate any way I want
  13. Better yet I could be a slob if I wanted
  14. I can have silence when I want or need it
  15. I can read in bed with the lights on and there is no one asking me when I will turn off the light.
  16. And finally there are no blanket wars, you know what I mean. You wake up freezing in the middle of winter and all the covers are on his side of the bed.

Okay so those are some of the positives about living alone, there are some disadvantages I’ll grant you, but for me the advantages are far more important to me than what I am missing out on.  I can date, I can have companionship if I want it, etc.  My great-aunt didn’t marry until she turned 40, and I don’t believe she had a very happy marriage.  When she turned 65 her husband died of cancer. It seemed to me that she had a fuller life after she became widowed than she ever did while she was married.  She took cruises, vacationed in Europe, visited Alaska, tried restaurants and meals her husband would never have enjoyed, if he joined her.  I’ll never forget her description of what squid tasted like when she returned from her European vacation.  She described it as chewing on rubber bands.  No  he didn’t leave her a big sum of money, she had saved her own money from working. He squandered money and had nothing in his name when he died.

 

When you reach my stage of life what you are usually seeking in a mate is a lasting friendship.  Who says we have to have our best friend live with us to the point that we share even our sleeping quarters?

 

I have noticed more couples who find they are happier living on their own. Even married couples are choosing to live in separate homes while continuing a relationship at this point.  A good friend has been in a relationship for almost 15 years, he has his home and she has hers. They are committed to each other but have no desire to combine households.  . Does it mean we are selfish? I don’t believe so, I think we just know ourselves well enough to know what makes us happy and a larger amount of alone time is what we need to be happy.

If you are currently single and hoping to find a solid relationship in the future, my advice is to enjoy your alone time, embrace it and love every minute of it, the time will come when you will most-likely have the relationship you want and will not be able to enjoy those little things you take for granted now.

 

How much alone time would you like to have?

 

65 thoughts on “It’s All About Me

  1. I totally understand the need for being alone, and I think its so important that relationships give each other space to be themselves,, I love my alone ME times, but then love our together times… Its all about learning to live together, and respect each others spaces and of course when together enjoying each others company..

    Living with our habits how ever can take some getting used too, and in those very early years with two young children and hubby working 12 hour shifts to pay the mortgage life at times was very fragile, as we went through our 7 year itches! which I think ALL couples go through at various points and stresses throughout your life….

    I so admire you for making your choice

    • Sue, I can definitely see the advantages of having a solid relationship to come home to, unfortunately I don’t seem to have the personality to want to share my space. Of course I tried it a few years ago thinking I could make the adjustments necessary but it was the wrong person and it ruined the relationship. As for the 7 year itch, it seems to be arriving much earlier in relationships today. I applaud you and your husband for working through those rough times to get where you are.

  2. Wow Lois! From the number of comments here looks like you’ve hit on a real conversation starter. I’m so behind in my reading but things are getting better again so catching up. I’m with you. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Done! I told my last husband he broke me. I love living alone, but am working to balance that with not always being alone. I never really was all that interested in being married. The men in my life needed to possess me and I wasn’t strong enough emotionally to resist. I will never be owned by another human being again. The last quarter of my life is MINE. Maybe someday I’ll have a dinner/movie date again but will always, always have my own place. I had my own bedroom for 20 of the last 25 years I was married. We co-habitated but he had real problems with boundaries. My kids couldn’t stand being around him. They didn’t care much for their dad either. So since my ability to choose is fractured, I won’t. I’m always delighted when someone finds a great partner. I just didn’t. Good for you for being strong enough to go it alone and knowing you should.

    • Marlene, I was so surprised by the response to this post myself. First, I am so happy for you that you are doing better.

      How sad that your children didn’t like your husbands and that you spent most of your married life in a separate bedroom. While I enjoy having my bed to myself, if I were married I would want to share and enjoy the companionship.

      I really do love living alone, like you it’s been better than some of the relationships I’ve had. My last one was a controlling situation. I couldn’t handle it one bit!

      I am not currently dating either, I can’t handle the constant questions concerning the moving in, or the demands which I find excessive on my part for my attention and time. Can you tell we’ve had similar experiences? ”

      I too am happy when I see couples who really work together, my youngest son has one and so do a few friends, but mostly I see relationships where at least one is being controlled. A good friend has been with one person for more than 10 years, but it’s only because she has changed for him. She has a wicked sense of humor, but he doesn’t like it, she admits she watches that she doesn’t joke around for him. I miss the fun she and I used to have. For her it’s a situation where she says she isn’t happy alone and doesn’t think she will find anyone else. I just don’t get that mentality.

  3. Thanks for such an interesting post. I am married but my husband travels with his job and I have plenty of time on my own which I really appreciate. I think some of us just need time to be alone to do our own thing more than others. For me, I need it to recharge – oh, and I love having the bed to myself so much, I usually hog the duvet when my husband is home! :)

  4. Excellent post Lois! I’m only starting out in adulthood (I’m 21) but I’ve had 1 serious relationship that ended last year, after a year and a half together. I really enjoyed being in a relationship but as I get older, I’ve come to realise that I’m much better by myself. I tend to be a little on the introverted side and so I need to spend quite a good deal of time alone. I suppose we’d just never gotten to the level of maturity in that you feel comfortable spending a lot of time apart.

    I’m always afraid that I lose a part of myself while in a relationship, and while I’d certainly like to lose the major flaws, they don’t seem to be the ones to disappear. ;)

    Having said that, I would like to get married one day, maybe when I’m in my 40s. I don’t want children either way so I’m not in any rush to settle down. I like sleeping alone, but sometimes it’s just nice to have someone to cuddle, or to heat my ice feet! :)

    • Eimear, you are so wise for your age. When I was 21 I was still trying to figure out who I was. There were things I felt very strongly about, and I was in the process of questioning society’s expectations of women in general. It took a few more years of exploring those things that didn’t feel right to me to find my place.

      I don’t believe you would lose a part of yourself in a relationship as you know yourself and seem confident enough not to change for another which is where we lose those pieces.

      Not having someone to warm my feet is one of those disadvantages I alluded to,:-)

      I am curious, if you don’t want children why you want to be married? That was one of the questions I had to figure out. I finally came to the conclusion that marriage is more important when children are involved. I thought for a long time that if I met someone I thought I could live with I would rather make a private vow than a public one with the legal paperwork that comes with marriage.

      • Ha Lois, I don’t think I’d call myself wise! I guess I’ve just been raised to be strong minded and know what I want. On paper that looks fine. However I feel really far from knowing who I am. It’s a beautiful thing though, I’m discovering more and more about myself every day :)

        I suppose in Ireland we would still be quite traditional in our views about marriage, or at least I am. I’ve always believed that marriage should come first, then children. Whatever works for other people, but I’m specifically talking about myself. Then as I got older, I realised I didn’t particularly want children (my animals are my babies) but my views on marriage never changed. I guess I see my parents and 4 out of 5 siblings (5th one isn’t married yet) blissfully happy in their marriages, with a combined 101 years married between them all! But it made me realise that I would like to have that someone special to share my life with and to come home to in the evenings. I wouldn’t be against a partnership instead of marriage, but if I had the opportunity to take the plunge, I would.

        I also think my biggest role model growing up was my eldest sister. She was married for about 10 years before she had children and I grew up during that part of her life.

        I would never want a big church wedding or anything like that. I don’t believe in God so that wouldn’t ever happen. But I’d like something easy going with my entire family (we’re very close!) and loved ones to share with us. But it’s not the end of the world if it doesn’t happen.

        I’m perfectly happy by myself right now and I’ll hopefully stay that way if and when I meet someone special. :)

        Sorry for the essay Lois! Marriage and relationships are a particularly favourite topic of mine!

        • Don’t apologize, Eimear. I tend to be a very curious person and was interested in hearing your opinion. I too think marriage should come before children although I was unable to give that to my children. My first child came from an abusive relationship I was trying to leave and my second child well his father left me while I was pregnant. I had never planned on having children especially in that way but that’s what life dished out to me. being a loner it wasn’t easy for me to raise my boys as it was something that was challenging to my personality. Don’t get me wrong, I love them dearly but have to say I am a better grandmother as I can send the children home when I need a break.

          I guess my views of marriage come from seeing very unhappy marriages. My mother was married and divorced 4 times before her death at age 42, my grandparents were not well suited for each other and basically tried to avoid spending time in the same room in the end. My view became more of a why marry and then have to pay out lots of money to end it when it gets bad.

          At the time I was getting a lot of pressure to marry I knew that if I ever did it would be small. Just very close family and my children (and his if he had them) as I believe the vows you take are personal and don’t need to be shared with everyone you know.

          Thank you for sharing your views and not being offended by my question.

          • Your honesty is so refreshing and I’m so sorry you had to go through such a hard time with 2 small children. Please don’t think I’m insinuating that it’s bad to have children without being married, offending you was most certainly not my intention. I can only speak for how I would like things to go personally, although as you can attest, things do not always go as planned. I truly believe you are a great mother – you seem very close with your children and that does not come from bad motherhood. You do your best and that’s all anyone can ever ask for.

            As I have my views of marriage from seeing happy ones, as do you from seeing unhappy ones. I completely understand your view and believe that I, too, would hold the same opinion had I witnessed first hand the unhappy marriages as you have seen. I have been very fortunate in having a family who each are happy in their marriages, and I am thankful every day that my parents and siblings are happy. That’s all I’d ever want – marriage or no marriage.

            I share the same vision for a wedding as you. It is a very personal and intimate affair, and not one that should have to be seen by every single person one is acquainted with.

          • Eimear, you did not offend me at all! I too believe the best situation to bring children into the world is with two parents and a supportive extended family. I created an extended family from friends so my children would know there were many people who loved them and were there for them, it was the best I could give them.

            I am very close with my children and their wives, I am very fortunate in that case. While i had never planned to have children, I can’t imagine my life now without them.

            I agree with you, we do see the world through the examples we witness during our formative years I am glad yours has been so positive.

            Please also remember, I take no offense to anything said here on my blog. I blog to start a discussion and only through intelligent conversations can I learn, so please never fear offending me.

  5. Great post, Lois! I know so many women who hop from marriage to marriage (or just eventually settle for being unhappy) because they can’t imagine not being married. It’s sad, because that level of desperation could never make for a healthy relationship.

    I remember the movie “Under the Tuscan Sun,” and in the end she decided that, even though she didn’t marry or have children, her life was perfectly fulfilling, and she had everything she wanted. I think we all would do well to reach that stage. Be okay, and then just roll with whatever life sends your way!

    It’s interesting, because recently–after last winter, and with all the change we’ve made–my husband and I have realized that we don’t *need* each other. We just WANT to be together. That awareness has done more from our marriage than anything else. (We still live in close quarters, the three of us–and they’re going to get closer when we move on a boat! LOL)

    • Bethany, I know people exactly like that. Some marry, others just hold on to a bad relationship because they fear being alone. I made enough bad choices without jumping from one relationship to another out of fear

      It’s been years since I saw Under the Tuscan Sun, but yes, like that in the end I am enough on my own.

      You and your husband are so far ahead of other couples your age to know you don’t NEED each other but choose to be together because you want to.

  6. I have been alone for many years. I find I prefer it. You listed all the reasons. I enjoy solitude and doing what I want,when I want . I am now retired. I worked for years as a 3rd shift hospice nurse. I stay up late and sleep in. Its works for me. I volunteer some afternoons and evenings.
    I enjoy my friends, but don’t want to share a home with anyone.

    • Mary, I have never had a 3rd shift job that must have been hard on you with scheduling. I loved second shifts (before becoming a parent) as I could stay up late, sleep in and not have to rush around getting ready for work.

      I too enjoy family and friends but don’t want to share my space with anyone. Even when my oldest son returned from active military and stayed with me for a few months I felt a disconnect with my own home and my routines and freedom were off by having him back with me. I’m good single.

  7. Oh my gosh! You said it exactly the way I do. For some reason I’ve been having this conversation a lot lately with my friends. A few understand, the married ones actually, and the rest think I’m nuts. I was even accused of putting up barriers to avoid getting hurt. Honestly, that has nothing to do with it. I like being on my own. I really, really, do. Why is it okay for a guy to be a confirmed bachelor but not a woman? Thanks for posting this!!

    • I was hoping someone reading this would know exactly how I feel!! Thank you. Many years ago, while my boys were entering the pre-teen years I was asked bluntly by my grandmother what it was I wanted from a man. This was after refusing many offers to fix me up with her friends children. Without giving it any thought, and out of frustration I blurted out that if she found me an interstate truck driver I would consider it, but not an intrastate driver.

      She had no idea what the difference was, I told her an intra- state driver didn’t leave the boundaries of the state and was home every night. An inter- state driver would only be home a few days out of the month as he was on the road all over the country.

      She didn’t like that answer, but later I thought about my comment and realized at that moment that I really did enjoy being alone and preferred the single life. My subconscious had the answer all along, I just hadn’t taken the time to listen.

      I have never regretted my choice to remain single. I have traveled and lived in a few different states, And you are right, why is it okay for a man to be a “confirmed bachelor” but a woman who wants to remain single is referred to as “old maid”, “feminist” or other negatively used term?

      • I always thought if I remarried it would be cool to buy a duplex so I can have my home and he can have his. My mother informed me that wasn’t a marriage. I took her advice and stayed single – ha, ha. Like you, I always thought a traveling salesman on the road a lot wouldn’t be bad either. I think you and I are kindred spirits.

        • I think we are kindred spirits! I thought I was the only one who ever seriously considered a man with a job that took him on the road most of the time to be a good possibility. :-)

          Your idea of the duplex is a good one, I too thought about that at one point. I was involved with someone who wanted a more permanent situation, I suggested sharing a home via a duplex. He didn’t find that to be funny. His loss, we weren’t well suited in the end.

  8. I like this post, it’s enjoyable to read the more personal ones others write.

    When my kids were little I was a single mum for five years and loved it, NEVER intended marrying at all. I then met my first husband and we were together 25 years before he died. I then decided I would never remarry or live with anyone again, in fact was sworn off men. I liked being on my own again… then I met Roger and eventually we got married. The good thing is we both do our own thing, best mates – but very different interests and energy levels. I spend heaps of time on my own and like it that way.
    I will admit there’s been a few times I have wondered what it would be like if he lived upstairs and I lived downstairs – I could have a tidy, feminine little place that doesn’t have boots, tools and beer bottles lying around it. I wouldn’t have to watch c..p TV and could actually get a turn with the remote – I don’t even think I know how to use the thing. Men are very different creatures, it’s got to be the right one or it’s just not worth it :)
    We’re all different and deserve to be happy, whatever is best for us is best for us.

    • Wendy, I didn’t realize you were a single mother first and I am very sorry for your loss of your first husband. When you share things about you and Roger it seems as if you have been together all your lives. Making a relationship with such differences work I always thought took many years.

      Your description of the things lying around are a good example of what I would struggle with. Raising my boys they knew the expectations I had for the tidiness of our home, but to now bring someone else in who was as set in their ways as I am,ha that would be quite a power struggle! :-)

      On decorating, men claim the basements or garage for a man cave, no reason you can’t lay claim to one room just for yourself that is girly and feminine, your place to retreat to. :-)

      • No, Roger and I have been together only 8 years :) It took a few years for us both to realise he was probably never going to take me out for tea or to the movies and I was not going to want to hike mountains or play golf….or be out in the garden at 5 am every day!! ALOT of power struggles to begin with but it was just ruining what is a great relationship in other ways.

        He made me an art studio downstairs last summer which I loved. Very cold in winter though so I didn’t use it then, and this week we got a boarder for down there but I do have ideas for a second lounge/studio when she goes…after writing that last night it sounded so nice ;)

        • What a sweetie he must be, making you an art studio! Are you still considering moving yourselves into the lower level and renting out the upper level? I’m glad you are planning a feminine room for yourself.

          You brought up an interesting point. If you had gone out looking for a mate you would not have been looking in the right place. I wonder how these dating sites can work out. People think they know what they want in a partner, but usually end up with someone very different from their “ideal”.

          • He is a darling :) An eccentric, quirky, kind darling lol
            Yes, we are still thinking of moving downstairs and thought having a boarder would be a good way to trial living with others around, see how we go.

            My sister just got married to a man she met on-line 5 years ago, as did one of my bosses at work.

            The “ideal”, we all hope for it and I expect few get it :) I soon realised (with Roger) I had to either accept or walk away, and he’s too good a person to walk away from. Over the years I have seen so many women (MAYBE even myself!) meet a guy, decide he’s “the one”, start planning a long term thing before they even get to know who this person really is, then start trying to change them to fit their image of the “ideal”. Roger accepts unconditionally, I had to learn to do the same. I often say an angel with a very wonky halo walked into my life and taught me a thing or two :)

          • Love your description of your husband. :-) I would rather walk away from someone than try to change them. If I did succeed in changing that person I doubt they would be very happy with who they became and I would lose the qualities I liked in the first place, so why try.

  9. I was a single parent for 12 years before I remarried. Although I dated during that time and even had proposals, I declined because my child and I had such an excellent life, I was terrified of diminishing it by including someone else to negotiate with! I would only partner up and have another person in the household if they added goodness to our life and didn’t detract in any way! I couldn’t have been more surprised when that person did come along. But a significant part of it was that my child was almost grown by then, and I was choosing a mate for myself and not as another parent. My ideal partnership has always been one in which you do things near each other and come and go throughout the day – such as me blogging in one room and Rom playing guitar in another – and catching up for meal times, sleeping and shared activities. We often have different days off because of our work schedules and we’ve had some separate vacations too. As you said, I think in maturity you do want to choose a best friend.

    • Dar, I made very similar choices during my single parenthood. It was during those years that I began to realize what I did want. I didn’t want to bring someone into my boys’ lives that would not be a perfect fit and while it wasn’t always easy to be a single parent, I enjoyed my freedom and the experiences we had as a family.

      During those years I often had what I considered rude comments. It would be stressed that I “owed” my boys a father. I couldn’t understand such reasoning for my getting married. My boys would grow up and then I would be “stuck” with a father-figure rather than a real partner for life for me.

      When I read about the life you and Rom have created it sounds like the two of you were made for each other. Enough similarities between you to be actual friends and those differences which bring that extra to the relationship.

      I also believe that when we find a satisfying life for ourselves we become a better version of ourselves and open that door to a more rewarding relationship when it comes along as you have proven.

  10. My alone time is precious and necessary to me and when I say alone, I mean alone, not just apart from my husband. I seem to need some time completely by myself. It doesn’t have to be long, just half an hour, time to dream and think with no interruptions…..

  11. Hi Lois. I like your new look here on your site. Looks great.

    On your topic of living alone, you bring up some good points and I could maybe see myself settling into that lifestyle if the situation presents itself. But, for now I’m happily married going on 47 years and enjoying the diversity, conversations, growth and love. I don’t kid myself. It’s not all fun and games and I get my buttons pushed but I guess it’s what they say, “different strokes for different folks.”

    I’m glad you’ve found what makes you happy and fulfilled. :-)

    • Thank you,, Pat. You know the person we marry or simply choose to spend our lives with get more of us than we realize. We are only with our parents and siblings for a such a short period when compared to adult hood. After spending such a long period of time with another I have no doubt you will get your buttons pushed. :-)

      I see new trends in living situations arising. Hmm, maybe I should write a post on that too. :-)

      • You’re welcome, Lois. I love that you get the best of both worlds and have control over that.

        My journey has taken me on a different path in a give-and-take situation learning how to respond in those times when I don’t want to and taking a stand when needed.

        Some people come already built with that in them. I think it’s something I had to major it but on many different levels. I’m not only connecting with what’s going on in me but seeing my partner with different eyes.

        It’s taken many years of trial and error and I’ve grown emotionally and spiritually in leaps and bounds. But, sometimes I can’t help but wonder how different it would be to live alone and not be in “class” continuously. I could pick and choose what I wanted to learn that day or not. I suppose the challenges are still there but in a different way.

        • Pat, there are challenges in each situation. When my boys were young I some days craved an adult to lay in bed and talk to, just a bit of adult conversation. I also felt the pressure to keep it all together because I couldn’t rely on another person being there to pick up the slack if I got laid off from work or repairs needed to be done on the house.

          Today I don’t feel that need, of course the children are grown and I gave up home ownership for renting which freed me from home maintenance. I am enjoying the freedom to just do whatever moves me at the moment and the silence that can fill my home now.

          • I certainly agree, Lois. It must have truly been hard in those early days. I can only imagine and for me it was nice to have my husband share the load. My heart goes out to those doing it on their own both men and women.

            There are trade offs in every situation.

          • You know it wasn’t all that bad once I set my mind to doing my best, without beating myself up over falling short of an ideal. From there it just became a way of life and I knew no other. I would make most of the same choices if I were to do it all over.

  12. I’ve just caught up on a bunch of your posts. Your Christmas gift series is excellent and has given me some good ideas. Modern childbirth and education were thought provoking. I’ve been married for a long time…. now renegotiating re time and space as we enter semi retirement. It’s not a simple process by any means.

    • Hello Susan, I’m so glad you are enjoying the Frugal Christmas series

      Retirement can be one of the best times, but for some it can be a struggle to find what will work as you are finding out. I wish you the best of luck in coming to a compromise that works for you and your husband, but being married for so long I am sure you both will figure it out.

  13. I don’t know why I gravitate to your posts as you seem to have “more mature” followers (I mean it in a nice way). :) Nevertheless, I totally agree with the perks of living alone but at this point in my life where I just got into my first ever serious relationship and it is an LDR at that, I don’t know how I can enjoy my alone time when I all I can think of is why the hell am I here and he there.

    • Leslee, you are not alone, I have plenty of others who visit and comment who are younger like you, and no offense taken. :-)

      Congratulations on your first serious relationship. I’ve been in LDRs in the past and I will have to say it’s much cheaper with cell phones. You can’t imagine how we used to watch the clock and calculate the long distance phone bill. At least with the cell after a certain hour it’s free.

      Try to enjoy your time with friends and the experiences you have around you. It will keep the relationship fresh, giving you new things to talk about….and help the time fly.

      • Actually, it is even cheaper now or sometimes even free (depends on how you look at it) because of these new technologies. Applications can be downloaded and people can talk to their hearts’ content without worrying about the bill as long as there is internet connection. Nevertheless, I think this idea of being “connected” 24/7 also has its price. Expectations become higher especially when it comes to communicating. It’s like there is no reason not to reply anymore! It has become a blessing and a curse.

        • Leslee, you are so right technology is both. I don’t like having others expect they should be able to reach me at all times, but I also enjoy Skype to talk to my youngest grandchild who is only 2.

          I believe we just need to remember we are in charge, not the technologies. I set clear boundaries of situations in which I refuse to answer my phone and let voice mail do it’s thing.

  14. Great post! CatMan and I have been together for 20 years, but we don’t live together, and probably never will. We have a whole host of reasons for choosing to live under separate roofs, and while there are times that I think life would be easier if we cohabitated, most of the time I’m grateful that we don’t. It’s odd, but he and I spend much more time “together” than I did with my ex, even though my ex and I most definitely lived together!

    I’m not sure why, but living apart tends to focus our time together in a way that my ex and I just never shared. I mean, we see each other 2-3 times per week, and talk on the phone 2-3 hours per day. And our time together is really spent actually being together – we never argue about money or dishes or dirty laundry. I sometimes think that the phone time forces us to interact directly in a way that most couples don’t – because if we’re not interacting there’s a lot of dead air! So we really, really talk about things.

    But then, I get to enjoy my alone time, which I also treasure. And he can stay up all night long programming or geeking out to his heart’s content, and never worry that his crazy schedule is making things hard on me. It really works for us.

    • Cat, you made some great points.I always said I never wanted to be married because once the papers are signed and the rings on couples tend to forget the relationship still needs to be fostered and worked on. They take it as fact that the other person will always be there just because they are married. I didn’t want to have that type of a relationship.

      I would love to find someone confident enough to enjoy the same kind of relationship. Sure it might be easier or even cheaper to live together, but there are a whole host of reasons not to. Completely different sleep schedules is definitely one.

  15. Hi Lois, I really like your honesty and reflection. I have several people in my life who are single – some want it, some don’t. One of my very best friends is happy to enjoy her small apartment, friends, trips home to see family, and trips off to other regions, hobbies, and a million other things. If she finds someone, he or she will have to be very, very special to give all that up!

    • Hi Tammy, I would very much like your friend who is so carefree and loves her small apartment. I watch too many stay in relationships when they aren’t happy because they are afraid of being alone, that is probably the saddest situation of all.

  16. You know a little bit about how my marriage came about. We are friends. I have my bedroom, he has his. He has his friends, I have mine. I do pretty much what I want when I want and same for him. It’s actually more like roomies. But it works for us. It wouldn’t work for everyone. We are content. I don’t watch much tv, and when I do he has no problem letting me have control. I do the cooking, because I like cooking. It all evens out. I have my alone time. I have to have it or I become rather cranky. ;-) Sometimes I do miss being single. But we are doing good, so I’m okay with it all. Not everyone is fine with being single. And that’s okay too.

    • Well said, Jackie. I do know a bit about your history and think it is great that you and your husband defined the style of relationship that worked for the two of you. There is no reason we have to choose between completely alone or completely wrapped up in each other. There are so many different ways to find that right fit. For me, anyone in my space for too long and I want to pull my hair out. :-)

  17. I have been married for 44 years. The relationship now looks little like the relationship in 1969. I am a different person and so is he. Over the years we have lived as man and wife but had fairly separate lives and interests. We made that work for us. I don’t think I would like a life where I am bound by shared desires. Separate is good. But we have built a family and that is a good sharing!

    If I found myself single in the future – I would not marry again. We have been reasonably happy but I left my parents house to get married at 21 and never lived on my own. I feel I have missed something. I don’t seek the single life at this stage of my life, but I also don’t fear it. I enjoy my own company.

    Interesting topic.

    • Thank you, Elaine. I can’t even imagine how much work goes into making a marriage work for 44 years. I know my grandparents used to say that they would have divorced had it been as easy for them as it is today, but that being together for more than 50 years wouldn’t want to live separately (even though they drove each other crazy) there was still a love that comes from being together for so long.

      I have lived alone for so long that I would have a hard time adjusting to living with another person. I was lucky, I did live on my own for a while after high school, and knew I had gone through the stages I needed for me at the time.

  18. Great – my last few comments on posts haven’t worked :(

    So I now live with BF, but you outline most of the things I miss! Slowly I’m realising despite living together, I need to maintain ‘me’ and what I want to do. Go out alone, cause I did before, and it made me happy. Go to bed when I need, rather than wait. At least he appreciates that I like to read before bed, even if he doesn’t. I can actually imagine living apart together. I know the BF thinks differently – whenever I sleep in another room due to snoring, he’s so sad! But if makes us both sleep better, I can’t see why not! Makes me wonder if I should take a holiday alone overseas, like before?

    • Hope you don’t mind, I deleted your test message. :-) Sarah, you were the last person I expected to get what I was talking about today. When I was your age I was still waiting for that magic relationship with my best friend and biding my time until I found him.

      Not sure if I will say this correctly but I’m going to try. I do hope you and the BF work out and have the happily ever after, but if you would find yourself single again, just knowing the little things you missed about living alone will make it much easier on you to make that adjustment and not worry over when the right relationship will come along.

      • More than OK that you deleted the test! I think I know there’s no ‘perfect’ relationship with someone magic – everyone is an individual and needs and wants different things. Both people need to bend and adapt. No one person has the only right way!

        Thank you for your well wishes – being single again would be like if I had to shave my head (again), I’d be OK with it, because when I’ve done it before, it’s worked OK if not well!

        • I know you would be fine but I hope you and the BF will enjoy your cohabiting instead. :-) There are no perfect matches, there will always be some compromises to be made to be in a relationship.

  19. I have been single for the last 15 years and could not be happier or imagine having another human to deal with on a 24/7 basis!

  20. I find that as my relationship with my wife grows stronger and deeper with time, we are less demanding of each other’s time. It is not a need to be together, but a desire. Our relationship has evolved enough to encourage each other to spend time apart as well as together. We both have room to be ourselves so that we have more to offer when we are together.

    Dan

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